I don’t know how many of you are still on here, so I’m mostly writing this for myself.
I recently went through my old e-mail inbox and found some old e-mails from my ex-partner (thought I had deleted all, but no..) and all the ensuing drama before, around and after our break-up. And it spiraled me straight back to those bad times…
First of all I have to say that I am finally able to look back and read our old conversations without my pulse racing or having some other sort of anger/sadness reaction. I even read an e-mail from one of his affair partners and had a little laugh.
I do not wish her anything but well. She and her daughter was also hurt in this game of his.
I’ve had emotional flashbacks and nightmares about that relationship for years, but for the last few years they have become rarer and rarer.
I have kept that door to my past closed for many years now, and seems it worked – I no longer feel anything for him.
It’s been 5 years since I left him and I cannot recognize myself in whom I was back then. So much has changed. I have changed.
Being a total mess when I came out of that relationship, the minute I had to stop using him and his drama as my high, I was looking high and low for a substitute.
I more or less managed to keep my head above water for 6 months, before some sort of grief reaction just hit me and knocked me down. To numb the pain I engaged in further self-destructive behavior.
Without going into detail; I found my new fix in alcohol, partying, overspending money, serial dating and taking up a sport of the more risky sort (!).
I was all over the place, and I was mentally exhausted. I didn’t have a clue about who I was and what I wanted. But I kept going, because I could not bear to feel the pain.
I was unable to feel what felt right within myself.
Seems I had for so many years suppressed my own voice and my own intuition, I no longer trusted myself to make the right choices. This can be a very dangerous place to be as I could have been an easy prey for someone who was looking to exploit me.
Luckily enough, I knew to a minimum what I couldn’t possibly live with and I believe this is what steered me clear of some of the potential bad partners I could have ended up with.
I had luck and met my current partner at a friends friends party. By the grace of the universe and all things above us in the sky (:)) he saw through my armour and my “fake” personality that I had put on to hide the fact I had no idea who I was anymore. He saw me, warts and all, and we fell in love. We’ve been together 4 years now, it has not been picture perfect, and it has not been without some challenges linked to my past relationship and all the issues I managed to carry with me from my past relationship (jealousy and insecurity, debt, inability to know my limit with regards to alcohol). He also had some bad experiences with a girlfriend from before me, so both of us came with quite a bit of baggage. This challenged us quite a lot the first year we were together.
But what it has been is this:
- It has been a lesson in finding my self-worth
- It has been a lesson in what a normal healthy relationship should be like
- It has been a lesson in setting and respecting each others healthy boundaries
- This relationship has taught me the meaning of trust and the building blocks of trust (I honestly 100% trust him and have no jealousy or insecurity issues)
- It has taught me how love is, and the difference between healthy and unhealthy unconditional love (at no point should you feel love towards someone who deliberately hurts you)
- It has enabled me to get rid of my “crazy-period” debt under control
- It has given me emotional security in that I know I can count on him – in everything
- It has taught me about communication and honesty
- It has also inspired me to take better care of myself and to recognize and eliminate destructive behavior (I hardly ever drink alcohol anymore)
I am feeling harmonious and optimistic about the future and I know that there is and will never be a going back to a similar relationship like the one I had with my ex-partner.
I feel embarrassed and ashamed when I read some of my comments on this blog and e-mails to friends about my ex-partners APs. I sounded childish, petty and I engaged in silly competitive behavior with some of them, instead of being the grown up woman who turned her back on his bad behavior.
I now realize how incredibly important it is who we choose to be our life partners. It can be a blessing or it can destroy a life. It can bring you to be your best self, or it can bring out the worst of the worst in you.
I also realize how vital it is to have a healthy self-esteem, and being able to set boundaries with people. Do not be scared of being alone. This was the hardest thing for me, I was very scared of being alone. But I have promised myself that I’d rather be on my own and be sane and harmonious, than be with someone who hurts me.
This is my vow to myself and what gives me a little tingle in the pit of my stomach, my intuition speaking, this is she, the person I really am, letting me know I’m on the right path 🙂