I’m alone (he’s working rotation, so he’s away this weekend). It’s been a beautiful sunny hot day and I’ve felt really good, close to being happy. Was just sat here going through some photos on my phone and then…..trigger alert!
My eyes are swollen to the unrecognisable and I’ve cried every drop I had. Such a small, small thing set me off. Just a beach with a towel and parasol, and a pair of white sunglasses in the corner of a photo – and BAM!!! Woman’s sunglasses. Yes, he forgot to clear away that detail, before he sent me this picture from a sunday beach trip with his “colleagues”.
I was thrown 18 months back in time.To when she visited him on a location he was working at.
Lately things have been going better. I love this man so much, I just can’t seem to let go, no matter how much it hurts me.
But these flashbacks are exhausting.
I have changed so much these last 4 years. If I left him now, I doubt very seriously I would want to get involved with anyone seriously again. And I’m young. I shouldn’t be saying things like this.
I don’t see myself ever trusting another person in this way ever again.
I know many are probably thinking: “so what’s the problem, just leave him!”
Don’t you think I have tried? If I could, I would have left – a LONG time ago.
I have completed four years in university, I speak four languages, I have accomplished many things at a young age that I am proud of, and yet I am incapable of leaving someone who has hurt me profoundly. I am so stupid!
I am a total idiot to stay after all this shit he has put me through.I don’t even get it myself! Somedays I’m embarrassed to look at myself in the mirror. I feel so naive, so gullible and pollyanna-ish.
He called, just after I had cried for what seemed like an eternity. I answered after some time, and it didn’t take long before he asked me what was wrong. I simply stated that I was upset because of our “situation” and bad memories. I then said I didn’t want to discuss it while he was away at work, I don’t want anything to take away his focus as it can be dangerous work. He accepted this. I was pretty much quiet the rest of the conversation, before I said I was not in the best of moods and that we should talk tomorrow. He told me he loved me, before we hung up.
Cried some more. An hour later he called back to see if I was feeling better. I just answered “not really”. Chatted a bit more, before we said goodnight again. He said again that he loved me.
I guess he’s a bit thrown that I didn’t open up for a discussion, and that I simply said that he knows what it’s all about anyway.
I love him so much, yet I so wish sometimes I had the strength to leave.
I am disgusted by the things he has done, but I am more disgusted by myself letting him come to hurt me more times. I am the only one who can stop him. I am disgusted I don’t.
I hope I can forgive myself one day.