I have decided that this relationship is no longer doing me good and it’s not going to work anymore. I feel free now that the decision has been made, and I know it is the only right thing to do.

He has not cheated (physically) after we broke the relationship off for a month this spring. We got back together around May. However, he has cheated last year.

The reason why I have come to this decision is that I discovered last week that last year (September-October) he was at another AP’s house two times for sex, while I was in work. I also found two emails, one from this February, where he wrote something like how they were more than just friends and that he felt that they always came back to each other for more. Bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit.

Did I mention this was another ex-lover of his from before we met, not his ex-girlfriend?

So we are now talking AP#2.

The last email that he wrote her was in response to her seeking contact with him again this autumn. He had written her in May, when we got back together, that he was now committed to work things through with me and staying with me. Obviously she knew about me, while I had no clue about her. The last email dated 15th of November said something like she “will always have a special place in his heart”, but it was more along the friendly lines.  And the tone was clearly that of him ending whatever they had.

So why break up? Well, basically he cheated last year after we agreed to start over (we started over in July). He has also written another woman that there is something special between them and that he always ends up going back to her, so frankly I told him I would not want to stand in the way of that.

The funny thing is (which I had to explain to her via email):

– if he’s that into you, WHY is he not with you instead of me?

-If he cared about you, why did he only send you three emails in one year, and not even give you a single one of his phone-numbers?

-If he was that into you, why did he never call you?

-If he was into you, why didn’t he stop by more than 2-3 times last autumn, and once this spring?….

She finally got it, when I told her the truth. While he was keeping her waiting for those rare visits, he was busy living his life with me. She sat on her own waiting for the leftovers.

We’ve been celebrating Christmas and New Year last year, and travelling a lot together and gone on romantic holidays. When I told her this, she wrote me back saying how stupid she had been waiting for him and thinking he would come to her. And how blind she had been thinking he was living on his own, believing his lies. Well honey, blind is the word. He has never once, in the 6 years they have known each other, told her he loves her. In fact, downright stupid is another word I would use on her.

All that time spent alone, while he was busy living with me, loving me, and planning a future with me. While she waited months for his emails of fleeting promises to meet up (he even had made one suggestion to meet up with her in May, but decided to go away with me instead) he held me every night and whispered softly in my ear that he loved me.

I’m not upset with her, I’m just a bit surprised about women like her that keep waiting for men that write them 2-3 times a year and visit even less. How could she have seriously thought they had something? Anyway, not my business. She says she wont give him a chance, but hey, I wouldn’t mind. I know for sure that if he tried a relationship with her, he’d once again be reminded about what he lost – ME.

Because whatever he did, and whatever happens in the future, I know in my gut that he will never be with anyone like me again. I have many flaws, believe me. But I challenged him, loved him fiercely, forgave him, fought for him, supported him, made exquisite love with him, followed him on his travels, listened to him, comforted him, understood him. We were on road-trips together, and I held my own. I was a partner in every sense of the word. He won’t find someone who will be as ballsy as I was. They may try, but they just won’t be me.

I have discovered since telling him that I know everything now, that whatever he had with her that was so special, is no longer very interesting. Too bad. Didn’t see this coming did he? Well, I did.

Too many lies – the trust is gone forever. I don’t want to do this anymore. He was in many ways the love of my life, however, I can’t live with someone that lies that much and cheats and are so irresponsible. It’s not healthy and enough is enough. And I would always look over my shoulder and wonder for how long he would be faithful this time.

I love you baby, but I love ME more.

xxx C.