A fellow blogger posted something that hit home with me. It was a quote saying that when something is important enough, you’ll find a way to do it, and If it isn’t, you’ll find an excuse. 

I woke up.

Action expresses priorities

– Ghandi – 

 

Basically he has been putting off several important things including

  • Finalizing affairs around the property they owned together
  • Cutting all ties to her
  • Establishing my position in his life

It may come across as me being very demanding, but without going into too much detail I can only describe the feeling as things being off. As being in a room where a table is glued to the wall. Or a window is installed in the floor. It’s not supposed to be like that and it messes with your mind in a disturbing fashion.

Furthermore we’ve had increasing problems in

  • communication
  • mutual respect
  • mutual love and acceptance

Now there’s been no contact between them for 6 months, and I don’t have that feeling of doom as I used to have. I believe that he has made massive changes in his life. This man was a player, big time. Yeah, I kind of ignored the red flags back then, when he told me about his past history with girls. But being naive and a hopeless believer in true love, I accepted this blindly as something in his past that would never touch us. After all, he told me all willingly and openly, without me asking, therefore I took this revelation as a sign of trust and an investment in changing his ways.

I believe that he has no longer any contact with any of his exes nor does he talk with her or allow her to contact him anymore. (Obviously he will need to for finalizing the remaining issues).

So what’s my problem?

Since D-Day June 2010, this journey has been (at times) like being hit by a train, tsunami and meteor – all at once.

He’s been with me physically, but part of it I pretty much walked alone. It’s no secret that I have been (and still am) in love with a man that has huge issues when it comes to commitment, feelings and honesty. He is in many ways broken. And silly me have been trying to fix. (Oh yeah, big codependency issues.)

I’ve felt a tightness in my throat for quite some time now. My own issues around this mess boils down to

  • SHAME
  • not being good enough
  • feeling like a doormat
  • doing the unspeakable and unthinkable (forgiveness??!! oh no you didn’t)
  • going against what others think I should do
  • settling
  • feeling like I have no self respect for staying with someone who treated me badly
  • giving up on how I imagined love would be
  • giving up on that pure love that all of us betrayed partners in the blogs-sphere knows will never come back. Ever. 
  • accepting a tainted relationship
  • accepting that the person that should be closest to me in this world, have been extremely disloyal and had no regard for my feelings or mental sanity
  • giving up on my ideal vision of my dream of love and finding that one person to share my life with 

It has been such a drain on my energy to fight my own internal conflicts and feelings around this ordeal, as well as giving him the freedom to make his choice for his future. I always wanted to make sure he chose me because he wanted to, not because I manipulated him to or “ultimatumed” him into.

I’ve been petrified of pushing him to do something he didn’t want to do, that’s why when I made my demands they were always followed by a speech were I urged him to chose what his heart wanted. I always made a big point out of love being a choice and choosing the right person, to avoid future heartbreak.

So now I want to have a choice. I want to make my choice, and I’m not sure I want to be with him.

I told him yesterday that I am very unsure of this relationship as I lack the reassurance that I expected to have by now. I feel strongly that I have done everything I could to trust and love him through this, yet I fall short of feeling that gratification that I expected from letting him back in. He is lazy in keeping his promises and avoids fulfilling my needs in this process. I’ve noticed him being on 70% for a long time. Yes, he goes to great lengths to call, text, buy stuff for me, show up as a partner in everyday life and express his love. Yes, he is in many ways a wonderful man, and those who don’t know our histoire de menage a trois, have openly envied my “catch” of a man. (Aquaintances adore him and envies me.)

It’s not good enough.

I am checking out. I want to break this off and I want to  be alone. (Most of all I want to curl up in a corner and read “Pride and Prejudice” and lust for Mr. Darcy.)

If it’s supposed to be us then he will find a way. Like I said, his lack of action on the big stuff he promised me has created a big wall between us, and it’s gonna take a lot to tear that wall down.

I no longer envision myself in this relationship. It is unfulfilling and it makes me question my own self-respect. I am a proud woman, and I don’t want to be “not good enough”.

I openly admit that he does many wonderful things for me, but I can’t deny that I have high ideals and I expect more from him. It’s not enough.

I told him I don’t have to be in this anymore. I am strong enough to move on alone, and I can love someone even though I don’t want to be with them.

I want to start over, I want to want to chose him a second time when all his business is taken care of and she is out of his life for good. Reality is that by the time the road is clear for him to win me back, I’m not sure if it is going to be too little, too late.

All I know is that this poisoned relationship is over. I take a stand and say NO to feeling underappreciated.

I leave the rest to destiny, God and the universe. What is meant to be, will be.

Im on my own now.

 

Advertisements