I am a total control freak.
It dawned on me today that I am not responsible for anyone else but myself. Of course I’ve always known this, but today I really got it. I cannot control what he (or anyone else in my life) has done, is doing or might do.
Nor am I responsible for the things they bring as baggage. Or the choices they make.
I have a choice. I actually have a choice. How liberating! I’ve constantly felt out of control in this relationship. I forgave him because I loved him and could not live without him. But in reality I can live without him. We all can live without our other person. It is a question of will. So we choose chaos and frustration and broken hearts. We “choose” to be hurt and lied to over and over again, because we are trapped in feelings of hopelessness and a hope and promise of love. I could put my foot down and say: No more! and leave. Why don’t I?
I have chosen to love him. I make this choice everyday. Staying is a choice. Love is a choice. I want to love him.
I have a choice between feeling responsible and stressed and obsessed with whatever is going on all the time, or to let go and take care of me.
I have no guarantee that he is not up to something or that he won’t cheat again.
But I can take care of myself and be at my best and be still in the eye of the storm. So I let go. And from now on I will distance myself a little more. Not because I want something or in order to manipulate him, but simply because I’m not responsible for him or his actions. I let go of him. I let him run free, and I let myself love him. Let myself love him the way he is.
Unconditionally? That’s a big word for a control freak. But it is the way it should be. Radical unconditional love should be to love someone the way they are. It does not mean that one should accept disrespectful and abusive behaviour. But to have the courage to love strongly, unconditionally and fiercely is something I admire and yearn for. I love with fear. Fear of getting hurt again. I don’t want to love with fear anymore.
I carry myself. I stick up for myself and I nurture and love myself. That’s all I can do, right here and right now. Everything else is out of my control.
If it is meant to be, the universe will find a way for it to be so. I’ve often worried that by my incessent need for control and directing things, I may have put myself in the way of the natural order of things. Maybe I got myself on the wrong track. Maybe we are not meant to be? Or maybe we are.
I let go. I give it all up to something bigger then me, than us. Scary and oh so difficult, but yet again, so freeing.
We have a bigger purpose, and we are part of something bigger than us.
As they say:
“Follow the river and you will find the sea”