Failure. Is. Not. An. Option.

I’ve always been terrified of failure. I don’t want us to fail. That means I’m not good enough. If we can’t get through this, my forgiveness has been a failure. Or maybe not. Will all my tears, sleepless nights and pain have been for nothing?

I hang on to the failing “us” by a thread.

We were going to get through this, it wasn’t going to be this many obstacles.

 

I’ve spent a lot of time alone lately, we still live together, but in one way I would like us to not. I don’t want to leave him, if I did I would have done so a long time ago.

My lack of action is a choice. A tired choice. But I don’t want to continue this relationship as there are still problems in communication and unresolved conflicts.

Plus he doesn’t want to go see a therapist or anyone outside, as he thinks we should fix this ourselves.

I won’t leave him, but I am not staying and pretending all is great either. I’m not spending time with him, very rarely. I don’t know why I do it like this, but I can’t fight anymore. If he leaves, then so be it. But I hope he wakes up, sees the light and goes to a therapist. All I know is that it’s out of the question to put up with more of his anger issues or poor communications skills.

I won’t make excuses for him anymore. I hope my lack of involvement will be a wake-up call. I hope that when I stop doing things for him, he will wake up and realize that he’s got the chance to make some serious life changes together with me. If he doesn’t change now, then he will make the same mistakes with the next girl, and the one after that, and so on…. It’s not really my problem, but I hate being the bystander watching someone make such poor and idiotic life choices. Does he not understand what he has, and what we could have together?

I have this constant feeling in my gut that he is self-sabotaging. Sometimes I wonder if he screws up, because he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship.

 

I’m still here and reading all your post. As another fellow blogger put it; sometimes the insanity gets so overwhelming that one just has to step back and regain balance. It just gets to a point where its an obsession, and the brain cannot process it all.

 

Hugs x x

 

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