159 days

Dear friends,

I am sorry it’s been a while since I last updated my blog. It’s been 159 days since I made the big decision to choose ME instead of a broken and destructive relationship. I’ve since discovered a lot of ugly lies and things (cheating) my ex did behind my back, all the more reason to never go back. The first two and a half months after leaving him was “bizarre”, but also at certain times euphoric.

Bizarre because he refused to move out and kept trying to brainwash me and fill me with guilt and crappy excuses for his poor behavior. He nearly succeeded several times but somehow I knew inside that if I didn’t leave this time, I would lose an essential part of myself that I would never get back.
I somehow knew he would most certainly continue to hurt me, the next time with a little less guilt. I had been served the truth about this man on a golden platter, and if I didn’t act on it I would only have myself to blame later.

Truth

I decided to not enable him and his hurtful behavior anymore. It was quite a confusing and exhausting time, but I chose to stick to my decision and said that the relationship was too broken to ever do good to any of us. The euphoria (not kidding – I felt like I was high on life for several months) started in February.

I took a much needed holiday, met lots of new interesting people and friends and I can honestly say that I hardly thought about my ex for a good 8 weeks.

I felt so free, so at home in myself and like I finally was back on track with how my life was supposed to be!

Why is it we keep ignoring our warning signals for so long?

For years I had a feeling (especially after the second time I suspected he had cheated) that I knew this was not IT for me. This was not how my life looked and how it was supposed to be. My life didn’t have to be filled with lies, confusion, cheating, hurt, tears and distrust. I’ve since come to realize that I have pretty much all of the characteristics and background of a codependent that Melody Beattie describes in her book “Codependent no more”. I was convinced that I could love him into not hurting me anymore. If only I was good enough, loved him enough, taught him the “right” behavior, forgave him enough times – he might one day be just mine. That’s all I wanted – for him to be just mine and leave his exes and other flirts behind and be with just me.

One of the biggest issues I had and still work on is the feeling of not being enough. This is something I have struggled with since my father left me and my mother when I was four years old. He started a new family and we have had little contact the last 20 odd years. It somehow felt like he thought his first family was defect, and so he left to make a new and better one. I have still not completely come to terms with how a father can have so little interest in his own daughter. But I do however see the pattern and how I have been going for the unavailable guy in order to prove to myself that I am enough. I couldn’t make my father stay, maybe I could make my boyfriend not stray.

So much energy trying to win a lost battle. The only person we can change is ourselves. Everyone is responsible only for themselves. What a valuable lesson I have learnt.

I still have A LOT of work to do. At the moment I have no contact with my ex. Some weeks I miss him terribly, almost like having withdrawal symptoms. Good memories come back to me and I miss the good times we had. I miss the good guy he was and still harbor love for him. But then I realize that I have only cried two times in almost six months since I left him, as opposed to several times a day/week when I was with him. I realize the profound peace I have started feeling lately and the complete lack of drama in my life and I know I made the right decision. I realize how much I have grown spiritually.

Since then I’ve met a man who was interested in dating me, but I am not ready. Faced with the prospect of a new relationship I feel nervous and my heart feels like stone. There’s no energy there right now, no space for anyone but myself and my own well-being. I don’t know when I will be ready. Maybe next year, maybe in three years. I am so happy being just me right now. I hope that in the future there is someone out there for me with whom I can have a loving and respectful relationship. But if it means being alone for 3/5/10 years before I find this kind of relationship, then so be it. I will never again settle for something that is not healthy and I will rather be alone then be in something that is hurting me.

I wish you all peace and strength on your journeys. I will continue to work on forgiving and forgiveness for my own benefit and healing, but I do believe this will be the last post on this blog.

Thank you for all your kind words, your support and your wisdom. Without you, this storm would have been a very hard one to bear alone.

Apache

THANK YOU

Love, C x x

It’s over, sayonara Baby!

I have decided that this relationship is no longer doing me good and it’s not going to work anymore. I feel free now that the decision has been made, and I know it is the only right thing to do.

He has not cheated (physically) after we broke the relationship off for a month this spring. We got back together around May. However, he has cheated last year.

The reason why I have come to this decision is that I discovered last week that last year (September-October) he was at another AP’s house two times for sex, while I was in work. I also found two emails, one from this February, where he wrote something like how they were more than just friends and that he felt that they always came back to each other for more. Bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit.

Did I mention this was another ex-lover of his from before we met, not his ex-girlfriend?

So we are now talking AP#2.

The last email that he wrote her was in response to her seeking contact with him again this autumn. He had written her in May, when we got back together, that he was now committed to work things through with me and staying with me. Obviously she knew about me, while I had no clue about her. The last email dated 15th of November said something like she “will always have a special place in his heart”, but it was more along the friendly lines.  And the tone was clearly that of him ending whatever they had.

So why break up? Well, basically he cheated last year after we agreed to start over (we started over in July). He has also written another woman that there is something special between them and that he always ends up going back to her, so frankly I told him I would not want to stand in the way of that.

The funny thing is (which I had to explain to her via email):

– if he’s that into you, WHY is he not with you instead of me?

-If he cared about you, why did he only send you three emails in one year, and not even give you a single one of his phone-numbers?

-If he was that into you, why did he never call you?

-If he was into you, why didn’t he stop by more than 2-3 times last autumn, and once this spring?….

She finally got it, when I told her the truth. While he was keeping her waiting for those rare visits, he was busy living his life with me. She sat on her own waiting for the leftovers.

We’ve been celebrating Christmas and New Year last year, and travelling a lot together and gone on romantic holidays. When I told her this, she wrote me back saying how stupid she had been waiting for him and thinking he would come to her. And how blind she had been thinking he was living on his own, believing his lies. Well honey, blind is the word. He has never once, in the 6 years they have known each other, told her he loves her. In fact, downright stupid is another word I would use on her.

All that time spent alone, while he was busy living with me, loving me, and planning a future with me. While she waited months for his emails of fleeting promises to meet up (he even had made one suggestion to meet up with her in May, but decided to go away with me instead) he held me every night and whispered softly in my ear that he loved me.

I’m not upset with her, I’m just a bit surprised about women like her that keep waiting for men that write them 2-3 times a year and visit even less. How could she have seriously thought they had something? Anyway, not my business. She says she wont give him a chance, but hey, I wouldn’t mind. I know for sure that if he tried a relationship with her, he’d once again be reminded about what he lost – ME.

Because whatever he did, and whatever happens in the future, I know in my gut that he will never be with anyone like me again. I have many flaws, believe me. But I challenged him, loved him fiercely, forgave him, fought for him, supported him, made exquisite love with him, followed him on his travels, listened to him, comforted him, understood him. We were on road-trips together, and I held my own. I was a partner in every sense of the word. He won’t find someone who will be as ballsy as I was. They may try, but they just won’t be me.

I have discovered since telling him that I know everything now, that whatever he had with her that was so special, is no longer very interesting. Too bad. Didn’t see this coming did he? Well, I did.

Too many lies – the trust is gone forever. I don’t want to do this anymore. He was in many ways the love of my life, however, I can’t live with someone that lies that much and cheats and are so irresponsible. It’s not healthy and enough is enough. And I would always look over my shoulder and wonder for how long he would be faithful this time.

I love you baby, but I love ME more.

xxx C.

Anger – my faithful friend

Anger is a very useful emotion – for a limited amount of time. Anger is often the instinctive response when something unfair or hurtful happens to us, or the people we love.

I have been angry and bitter for nearly three years, I must admit it’s kind of scary to start letting go of a feeling so familiar and I don’t think it’s going to happen overnight. I have been so angry with him, I have wished for revenge and other bad things to come his way. My vengeful thoughts would upset me, because as angry as I was with him, I still cared about him. It’s a weird feeling being really really angry with someone you love deeply. It’s a bit schizo actually, because in one moment you might be wishing them dead, in the next you are overwhelmed by sorrow, love and memories that used to be beautiful, now tainted.

Being hurt by someone you love and trust is a pain unparalleled to anything I have ever suffered.

Anger is a useful emotion in the sense that it makes us react when we are subject to poor treatment, but when does it stop being useful and start harming ourselves?

Update

I’ve been terribly quiet lately, and I do apologize. My thoughts are going out to everyone of you affected by hurricane Sandy. My heart breaks for the families who lost their loved ones.
When I started this blog, it was intended as a diary of my route to forgiveness and recovery. I was naively comitted to go forth as a shinng beacon, leading the way to forgiving our straying partners. Who’d have known that recovery would be so difficult?

I urge everyone who ever reads this to think twice before you have an affair, regardless of wether you are the person in  a relationship or if you are the affair partner. An affair is such a devastating thing to a human being. It takes on a life of its own, and eventually becomes a question of survival.

I’ve been reading Harville Hendrix’ “Getting the love you want”. It’s amazing, and it’s really opening my eyes to so many things. I am addicted to my boyfriend. It explains why I am having an existensialist crisis. I feel like I am barely surviving without him, although he says he is here every step of the process, I have kind of removed myself abit. My last post was about giving up waiting for him to see me, seeing us.

All I can say is that I am struggling very much with letting go of my fantasies and dreams for our future. They were all lost when he kept lying and letting me down. When I met him,I was immediately drawn to him. He was in so many ways everything I’ve been waiting for my whole life. As a kid of divorced parents and a troubled youth, it was heaven to fall into the arms of someone who would take care of me and protect me.

To be here, in the midst of anxiety and overwhelming disappointment….
Im coming through. I know I will be fine. I just hope to whole again one day.
x C x

Insanity

This is what my miss Insanity looks like:

Beautiful witch with long black hair Stock Photo - 10252076

She’s vengeance, she’s fear, she’s madness, she’s out of control, she’s lust, she’s tears, she’s pride, she’s unstable, she’s illogical, she’s impulse, she’s a hunter, she’s instinctive, she’s basal, she’s a force of nature, she’s borderline, she’s unpredictable, she’s scary. She’s a bitch. A bitch with a soft spot.

She’s also her:

eva.jpg

Calculating. Cold. Careless. Caught. Critical. Compulsive. Crazy.

Just lost it completely

Sorry but this is not a happy post. I’m angry and bitter.

I lost my temper big time. Just checked her Facebook account, and I triggered big time. We have this hobby we do together, me and G.

I saw on her FB that she has taken it up. Equipment and everything. I feel suffocated. He has said to me that he never did this hobby with her, but I know she would not start this on her own (it’s a man sport). I lost it. Why is she doing this after over a year?? It’s obvious she’s trying to get his interest back in doing things she knows he likes to do in his free time. He said to me one of the reasons why their relationship never worked out when they were together is because she didn’t like this hobby. Now, after 6 years and when he’s left the relationship and met someone else (i.e. me), she suddenly wants to do this?? Huh, you don’t fool me, bitch.

I wrote him a long letter and I was so angry. Never should have sent it. I feel so betrayed, it’s the emotional part of their affair that kills me too. More than in the beginning. This was our thing. Obviously he has advised her, because she had picked equipment that is top of the line and not for beginners. Pisses me off. I want a timeline on this. If he has invested in this equipment when we decided to fix things, then he is gonna have to answer up to me. I know, I know. I have told him that this relationship is not good enough for me the way it is now, but hey, I’m proud. I don’t let some cheap bitch stalk us by doing our sport. Over my dead body, she’s not gonna turn up where we are! How can I know that what we did together was “special”?

I wrote so much bad stuff to him now, I was really out of line. Hatred is a perfect word for how I feel right now. I love him, and I want to scream inside because he still touches that soft spot in me. But I am so bitter.

I feel so disabled. After everything he has done, to cheat and lie to me, to hurt me. Maybe he didn’t mean to, but he did. And regardless of how things end up between us, how do I keep from hating him?

Part of me does hate him. Especially when thinking about how he gave her everything when they had their affair.

I know they had a history together, but it still doesn’t make right that he cheated on me with his ex. I was with him. WE were together. They were over. I hate her. She knew about me, yet she still let him have her.The way she looks, she’s even got wrinkles and she’s only one year older than me. How is that possible?? She’s gonna need a face lift by she’s 40.

How do you keep from hating your partner when you discover that he has lied after D-day and forgiveness?

How do you keep from tearing them apart for hurting you again and again?

And how do you continue to love?

Goodbye to “not enough”

 

A fellow blogger posted something that hit home with me. It was a quote saying that when something is important enough, you’ll find a way to do it, and If it isn’t, you’ll find an excuse. 

I woke up.

Action expresses priorities

– Ghandi – 

 

Basically he has been putting off several important things including

  • Finalizing affairs around the property they owned together
  • Cutting all ties to her
  • Establishing my position in his life

It may come across as me being very demanding, but without going into too much detail I can only describe the feeling as things being off. As being in a room where a table is glued to the wall. Or a window is installed in the floor. It’s not supposed to be like that and it messes with your mind in a disturbing fashion.

Furthermore we’ve had increasing problems in

  • communication
  • mutual respect
  • mutual love and acceptance

Now there’s been no contact between them for 6 months, and I don’t have that feeling of doom as I used to have. I believe that he has made massive changes in his life. This man was a player, big time. Yeah, I kind of ignored the red flags back then, when he told me about his past history with girls. But being naive and a hopeless believer in true love, I accepted this blindly as something in his past that would never touch us. After all, he told me all willingly and openly, without me asking, therefore I took this revelation as a sign of trust and an investment in changing his ways.

I believe that he has no longer any contact with any of his exes nor does he talk with her or allow her to contact him anymore. (Obviously he will need to for finalizing the remaining issues).

So what’s my problem?

Since D-Day June 2010, this journey has been (at times) like being hit by a train, tsunami and meteor – all at once.

He’s been with me physically, but part of it I pretty much walked alone. It’s no secret that I have been (and still am) in love with a man that has huge issues when it comes to commitment, feelings and honesty. He is in many ways broken. And silly me have been trying to fix. (Oh yeah, big codependency issues.)

I’ve felt a tightness in my throat for quite some time now. My own issues around this mess boils down to

  • SHAME
  • not being good enough
  • feeling like a doormat
  • doing the unspeakable and unthinkable (forgiveness??!! oh no you didn’t)
  • going against what others think I should do
  • settling
  • feeling like I have no self respect for staying with someone who treated me badly
  • giving up on how I imagined love would be
  • giving up on that pure love that all of us betrayed partners in the blogs-sphere knows will never come back. Ever. 
  • accepting a tainted relationship
  • accepting that the person that should be closest to me in this world, have been extremely disloyal and had no regard for my feelings or mental sanity
  • giving up on my ideal vision of my dream of love and finding that one person to share my life with 

It has been such a drain on my energy to fight my own internal conflicts and feelings around this ordeal, as well as giving him the freedom to make his choice for his future. I always wanted to make sure he chose me because he wanted to, not because I manipulated him to or “ultimatumed” him into.

I’ve been petrified of pushing him to do something he didn’t want to do, that’s why when I made my demands they were always followed by a speech were I urged him to chose what his heart wanted. I always made a big point out of love being a choice and choosing the right person, to avoid future heartbreak.

So now I want to have a choice. I want to make my choice, and I’m not sure I want to be with him.

I told him yesterday that I am very unsure of this relationship as I lack the reassurance that I expected to have by now. I feel strongly that I have done everything I could to trust and love him through this, yet I fall short of feeling that gratification that I expected from letting him back in. He is lazy in keeping his promises and avoids fulfilling my needs in this process. I’ve noticed him being on 70% for a long time. Yes, he goes to great lengths to call, text, buy stuff for me, show up as a partner in everyday life and express his love. Yes, he is in many ways a wonderful man, and those who don’t know our histoire de menage a trois, have openly envied my “catch” of a man. (Aquaintances adore him and envies me.)

It’s not good enough.

I am checking out. I want to break this off and I want to  be alone. (Most of all I want to curl up in a corner and read “Pride and Prejudice” and lust for Mr. Darcy.)

If it’s supposed to be us then he will find a way. Like I said, his lack of action on the big stuff he promised me has created a big wall between us, and it’s gonna take a lot to tear that wall down.

I no longer envision myself in this relationship. It is unfulfilling and it makes me question my own self-respect. I am a proud woman, and I don’t want to be “not good enough”.

I openly admit that he does many wonderful things for me, but I can’t deny that I have high ideals and I expect more from him. It’s not enough.

I told him I don’t have to be in this anymore. I am strong enough to move on alone, and I can love someone even though I don’t want to be with them.

I want to start over, I want to want to chose him a second time when all his business is taken care of and she is out of his life for good. Reality is that by the time the road is clear for him to win me back, I’m not sure if it is going to be too little, too late.

All I know is that this poisoned relationship is over. I take a stand and say NO to feeling underappreciated.

I leave the rest to destiny, God and the universe. What is meant to be, will be.

Im on my own now.

 

No contact for 10 days

So, due to my G being away on a job, we have not had any contact for ten days.

As you know, we live together.

The first week I was frustrated and lonely, almost like I was experiencing withdrawal symptoms. I was irritated, stressed, in pain, with thoughts going through my mind at an insane speed.  

But something has happened to me. I still feel this need for him and hunger for him in my life. I still feel deep deep love for this man that has hurt me in so many ways. But I also feel a bit relieved. Like I can breather easier. There’s no tension in the home, just….me. There’s no action or words or feelings to trigger any bad memories, there’s just me, me and me.

I kinda love it. I don’t know if I would love it if he had moved out and was never coming back, I am sure I would be heartbroken, even if I was the one making The Decision.

But I do love this break. It permits me to shape the relationship I would like to have, in my mind. It permits me to just sit and feel what my ideal soul-mate would make me feel like. G is ideal for me in many ways, but he’s also very wrong in others.

I caught myself singing yesterday, being ecstatic and feeling something very close to how being in love makes us all feel. This fresh, crisp, new, bubbly, hopeful, unconditional, forgiving, inspiring, enthusiastic feeling of being in love for the first time.

What the hell is happening to me??? How can some alone-time be so healing? And most importantly, what does this mean? 

It felt like this:

Image

 

 

 

And I really wanna say THIS:

Image

The f-word

Failure. Is. Not. An. Option.

I’ve always been terrified of failure. I don’t want us to fail. That means I’m not good enough. If we can’t get through this, my forgiveness has been a failure. Or maybe not. Will all my tears, sleepless nights and pain have been for nothing?

I hang on to the failing “us” by a thread.

We were going to get through this, it wasn’t going to be this many obstacles.

 

I’ve spent a lot of time alone lately, we still live together, but in one way I would like us to not. I don’t want to leave him, if I did I would have done so a long time ago.

My lack of action is a choice. A tired choice. But I don’t want to continue this relationship as there are still problems in communication and unresolved conflicts.

Plus he doesn’t want to go see a therapist or anyone outside, as he thinks we should fix this ourselves.

I won’t leave him, but I am not staying and pretending all is great either. I’m not spending time with him, very rarely. I don’t know why I do it like this, but I can’t fight anymore. If he leaves, then so be it. But I hope he wakes up, sees the light and goes to a therapist. All I know is that it’s out of the question to put up with more of his anger issues or poor communications skills.

I won’t make excuses for him anymore. I hope my lack of involvement will be a wake-up call. I hope that when I stop doing things for him, he will wake up and realize that he’s got the chance to make some serious life changes together with me. If he doesn’t change now, then he will make the same mistakes with the next girl, and the one after that, and so on…. It’s not really my problem, but I hate being the bystander watching someone make such poor and idiotic life choices. Does he not understand what he has, and what we could have together?

I have this constant feeling in my gut that he is self-sabotaging. Sometimes I wonder if he screws up, because he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be in a happy and fulfilling relationship.

 

I’m still here and reading all your post. As another fellow blogger put it; sometimes the insanity gets so overwhelming that one just has to step back and regain balance. It just gets to a point where its an obsession, and the brain cannot process it all.

 

Hugs x x

 

Aside

I’m still here

Just a little heads up that I’m alive and well. Haven’t been on here for a while – why? Because I’ve been busy and fed up and all things at once.

But I missed writing and reading all your inspiring and thoughtful comments, so here is a little update:)

So, a few things have happened since last post. No major drama, just eye-openers about my boyfriends character flaws.

In short, he has three major problems that I have now identified:

1. He lies easily (and about many many things, and it annoys me. Why is it necessary to lie, just do it/say it right from the beginning! Saves time and brings respect.)

2. He has anger issues (he is not violent, but he can get annoyed and loudly irritated with rules and regulations, or traffic etc. and it is tiring to listen to and it annoys me that he points out other peoples mistakes, instead of seeing his own, which are roughly the size of the Colosseum. Sometimes he really is Mr. doublestandards)

3. He lacks empathy (like at this point, I will not even consider having kids with him, because he does not have basic understanding for what it means in certain situations to have empathy.)

What am I going to do?

Nothing.

I’ve been “doing” for 4 years. I’ve already told him, I don’t have it in me to fight anymore for this relationship. I’ve also told him that I believe he should see someone professional about his above mentioned issues. I’ve been friendly, but firm. (Of course he didn’t like hearing this, but I’m beyond caring)

I still love him, but I’m not able to work on this anymore, at least not without him making a major effort. So whats gonna happen? Most likely, this relationship will ebb out into nothing. Perhaps he wakes up and does something about himself. Perhaps not. Who knows?

One thing for sure: I have, I do and I always will love him deeply, in spite of all his flaws. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have stayed with him for this long and put up with so much misery.

But life is more, and now I feel like focusing on myself a bit more.

I’ve made a list of to do things for the remainder of 2012 and the year of 2013:

– get healthy and fit
– de-clutter my apartment and life in general
– embrace my femininity and learn to love myself more (I see my glow coming out more!)
– Laugh more
– Have more fun
– Let problems take care of themselves, and be more carefree
– Spend more time with my family
– Spend more time with my friends and re-kindle old friendships
– Read more
– Get clear about my 5-year and 10-year goals
– Nurture my hobby
– learn languages
– Host dinner parties
– Go to the theatre, concerts, and opera more
– become a better listener
– improve my self-esteem
– put myself first