I am sorry it’s been a while since I last updated my blog. It’s been 159 days since I made the big decision to choose ME instead of a broken and destructive relationship. I’ve since discovered a lot of ugly lies and things (cheating) my ex did behind my back, all the more reason to never go back. The first two and a half months after leaving him was “bizarre”, but also at certain times euphoric.
Bizarre because he refused to move out and kept trying to brainwash me and fill me with guilt and crappy excuses for his poor behavior. He nearly succeeded several times but somehow I knew inside that if I didn’t leave this time, I would lose an essential part of myself that I would never get back.
I somehow knew he would most certainly continue to hurt me, the next time with a little less guilt. I had been served the truth about this man on a golden platter, and if I didn’t act on it I would only have myself to blame later.
I decided to not enable him and his hurtful behavior anymore. It was quite a confusing and exhausting time, but I chose to stick to my decision and said that the relationship was too broken to ever do good to any of us. The euphoria (not kidding – I felt like I was high on life for several months) started in February.
I took a much needed holiday, met lots of new interesting people and friends and I can honestly say that I hardly thought about my ex for a good 8 weeks.
I felt so free, so at home in myself and like I finally was back on track with how my life was supposed to be!
Why is it we keep ignoring our warning signals for so long?
For years I had a feeling (especially after the second time I suspected he had cheated) that I knew this was not IT for me. This was not how my life looked and how it was supposed to be. My life didn’t have to be filled with lies, confusion, cheating, hurt, tears and distrust. I’ve since come to realize that I have pretty much all of the characteristics and background of a codependent that Melody Beattie describes in her book “Codependent no more”. I was convinced that I could love him into not hurting me anymore. If only I was good enough, loved him enough, taught him the “right” behavior, forgave him enough times – he might one day be just mine. That’s all I wanted – for him to be just mine and leave his exes and other flirts behind and be with just me.
One of the biggest issues I had and still work on is the feeling of not being enough. This is something I have struggled with since my father left me and my mother when I was four years old. He started a new family and we have had little contact the last 20 odd years. It somehow felt like he thought his first family was defect, and so he left to make a new and better one. I have still not completely come to terms with how a father can have so little interest in his own daughter. But I do however see the pattern and how I have been going for the unavailable guy in order to prove to myself that I am enough. I couldn’t make my father stay, maybe I could make my boyfriend not stray.
So much energy trying to win a lost battle. The only person we can change is ourselves. Everyone is responsible only for themselves. What a valuable lesson I have learnt.
I still have A LOT of work to do. At the moment I have no contact with my ex. Some weeks I miss him terribly, almost like having withdrawal symptoms. Good memories come back to me and I miss the good times we had. I miss the good guy he was and still harbor love for him. But then I realize that I have only cried two times in almost six months since I left him, as opposed to several times a day/week when I was with him. I realize the profound peace I have started feeling lately and the complete lack of drama in my life and I know I made the right decision. I realize how much I have grown spiritually.
Since then I’ve met a man who was interested in dating me, but I am not ready. Faced with the prospect of a new relationship I feel nervous and my heart feels like stone. There’s no energy there right now, no space for anyone but myself and my own well-being. I don’t know when I will be ready. Maybe next year, maybe in three years. I am so happy being just me right now. I hope that in the future there is someone out there for me with whom I can have a loving and respectful relationship. But if it means being alone for 3/5/10 years before I find this kind of relationship, then so be it. I will never again settle for something that is not healthy and I will rather be alone then be in something that is hurting me.
I wish you all peace and strength on your journeys. I will continue to work on forgiving and forgiveness for my own benefit and healing, but I do believe this will be the last post on this blog.
Thank you for all your kind words, your support and your wisdom. Without you, this storm would have been a very hard one to bear alone.
Love, C x x