I’m still here

Just a little heads up that I’m alive and well. Haven’t been on here for a while – why? Because I’ve been busy and fed up and all things at once.

But I missed writing and reading all your inspiring and thoughtful comments, so here is a little update:)

So, a few things have happened since last post. No major drama, just eye-openers about my boyfriends character flaws.

In short, he has three major problems that I have now identified:

1. He lies easily (and about many many things, and it annoys me. Why is it necessary to lie, just do it/say it right from the beginning! Saves time and brings respect.)

2. He has anger issues (he is not violent, but he can get annoyed and loudly irritated with rules and regulations, or traffic etc. and it is tiring to listen to and it annoys me that he points out other peoples mistakes, instead of seeing his own, which are roughly the size of the Colosseum. Sometimes he really is Mr. doublestandards)

3. He lacks empathy (like at this point, I will not even consider having kids with him, because he does not have basic understanding for what it means in certain situations to have empathy.)

What am I going to do?


I’ve been “doing” for 4 years. I’ve already told him, I don’t have it in me to fight anymore for this relationship. I’ve also told him that I believe he should see someone professional about his above mentioned issues. I’ve been friendly, but firm. (Of course he didn’t like hearing this, but I’m beyond caring)

I still love him, but I’m not able to work on this anymore, at least not without him making a major effort. So whats gonna happen? Most likely, this relationship will ebb out into nothing. Perhaps he wakes up and does something about himself. Perhaps not. Who knows?

One thing for sure: I have, I do and I always will love him deeply, in spite of all his flaws. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have stayed with him for this long and put up with so much misery.

But life is more, and now I feel like focusing on myself a bit more.

I’ve made a list of to do things for the remainder of 2012 and the year of 2013:

– get healthy and fit
– de-clutter my apartment and life in general
– embrace my femininity and learn to love myself more (I see my glow coming out more!)
– Laugh more
– Have more fun
– Let problems take care of themselves, and be more carefree
– Spend more time with my family
– Spend more time with my friends and re-kindle old friendships
– Read more
– Get clear about my 5-year and 10-year goals
– Nurture my hobby
– learn languages
– Host dinner parties
– Go to the theatre, concerts, and opera more
– become a better listener
– improve my self-esteem
– put myself first


I need inspiration!

This story made me cry, so I’m warning those of you who want to read something else. But it’s happy tears!

Just needed something to make me believe in love and bonding again. I’ve been feeling very lonely, and I just need to believe that no matter what happens, there is love for me out there somewhere. I’ve always felt that the most important thing in life, is the bond and relationship that we share with a partner and our families. I will not give up on love.

also this one was amazing:

Love is everything.



I was pondering a quote from the Twilight-saga this morning:

The way you move — you orient yourself around him without even thinking about it. When he moves, even a little bit, you adjust your position at the same time. Like magnets… or gravity. You’re like a… satellite, or something.

This is what we do. Me and the wild one. We dance, facing each other and lose ourselves in the intoxicating music.


Always one revolving around the other, always one bouncing off of what the other person does or doesn’t do. There is the re- to the action of the other.


The music never stops, as we face each other for one more dance. I cling to him in a precious hope he won’t let me fall. I trust the process. Falling scares me, but my feet won’t listen. I have to dance.


It’s in me now, and the rythm won’t let go of my body. My partner is familiar, and I grow into the steps he leads me through. I get dizzy sometimes, and the music never fades.

Some melodies are sensual and comfortable, and we wrap ourselves gently into them and dance them to perfection, accentuating beautiful nuances with our bodies.


Other times the tunes are fast and unfamiliar, staccato we stumble through them.

I get a few blisters, and so does he. We change our shoes, and gravitate toward each other once more, hoping the next tune will guide us into …..






I have been down a dark, nasty path of memories this weekend. My boyfriend is away working and something deep was triggered in me, by something so small as a pair of white sunglasses.

I am so incredibly bitter right now. He has promised for a very long time to do something very important for our relationship and my healing, and yet he keeps putting it off and saying that as long as he’s here with me, I should not have to doubt him.

He keeps saying he is going to do this one thing that we have agreed on, but he never tells me when, and he makes no indication to start the process. And we keep arguing about it, because I get insecure and feel neglected.

I know he has promised someone I hold in high esteem that he is going to go through with his promise to me this fall.

(and no, it’s not him proposing to me 🙂 )

I have been promised this now for over a year. I have been patient, I have been kind, I have been supportive and understanding. But now I am feeling underappreciated. Understatement of the year. I feel I’m being taken for an idiot!

I am consumed by bitterness. We have a holiday in about three weeks that we have planned for a long long time. I don’t want to pull out and cancel it, but I’m feeling more and more pressure everyday. My chest hurts and I’m constantly tearing up, because I’m so tired of this joke.

This bullshit has been going on for too long now and I’ve had enough.

To create more drama now, will not be productive, even though I feel at my wits end.

I have thought about it and found that the best way is to not mention the topic at all for the next three weeks, go on our holiday and have a fabolous time together. If this is the last time we go anywhere together, then I want it to be a happy memory.

Afterwards I have no choice but to say I need sometime to think things through. If it means I have to move out for sometime until he does what he has promised, then I will.

I wish I didn’t have to go that far, but he leaves me no choice. I’d rather make a statement now, than wait, and wait, and wait, until we are at the point of no return where I cannot even look at him anymore.

My ultimate fear is losing all respect I have for him. To regard someone I once held in high esteem, as nothing more than a man with no integrity. 

Thoughts anyone? Those of you who did go through with a physical separation/separate living conditions for sometime, how did it go?


I’ll see you in my dreams

Gone, the voice that used to fill the room is all but gone
An echo of a perfect love that ended wrong
Girl, we tried so hard when love was on our side
And yesterday will always be the reason why
You keep comin’, you keep comin’ back, you keep comin’ back for more

I’ll see you in my dreams
There we’ll be safe tonight, from the lonely days of memory
I’ll see you in my dreams, oh

Time, time will never be a friend of mine again
It tries to make your memory fade, but I won’t let it end
Let the sun go down, so I can drift away
Let me close my eyes and live another day
You keep comin’, you keep comin’ back, you keep comin’ back for more

I’ll see you in my dreams
There we’ll be safe tonight, from the lonely days of memory
I’ll see you in my dreams, oh

(Instrumental break)

The truth, oh it’s there for you to see
Sometimes it’s painful to be on your own, on your own

I’ll see you in my dreams
There we’ll be safe tonight, from the lonely days of memory
I’ll see you in my dreams
Back in my arms again, and no matter what tomorrow brings
I’ll see you in my dreams, oh, oh, oh


I’m alone (he’s working rotation, so he’s away this weekend). It’s been a beautiful sunny hot day and I’ve felt really good, close to being happy. Was just sat here going through some photos on my phone and then…..trigger alert!

My eyes are swollen to the unrecognisable and I’ve cried every drop I had. Such a small, small thing set me off. Just a beach with a towel and parasol, and a pair of white sunglasses in the corner of a photo – and BAM!!! Woman’s sunglasses. Yes, he forgot to clear away that detail, before he sent me this picture from a sunday beach trip with his “colleagues”.

I was thrown 18 months back in time.To when she visited him on a location he was working at.

Lately things have been going better. I love this man so much, I just can’t seem to let go, no matter how much it hurts me.

But these flashbacks are exhausting.

I have changed so much these last 4 years. If I left him now, I doubt very seriously I would want to get involved with anyone seriously again. And I’m young. I shouldn’t be saying things like this.

I don’t see myself ever trusting another person in this way ever again.

I know many are probably thinking: “so what’s the problem, just leave him!”
Don’t you think I have tried? If I could, I would have left – a LONG time ago.

I have completed four years in university, I speak four languages, I have accomplished many things at a young age that I am proud of, and yet I am incapable of leaving someone who has hurt me profoundly. I am so stupid!
I am a total idiot to stay after all this shit he has put me through.I don’t even get it myself! Somedays I’m embarrassed to look at myself in the mirror. I feel so naive, so gullible and pollyanna-ish.

He called, just after I had cried for what seemed like an eternity. I answered after some time, and it didn’t take long before he asked me what was wrong. I simply stated that I was upset because of our “situation” and bad memories. I then said I didn’t want to discuss it while he was away at work, I don’t want anything to take away his focus as it can be dangerous work. He accepted this. I was pretty much quiet the rest of the conversation, before I said I was not in the best of moods and that we should talk tomorrow. He told me he loved me, before we hung up.

Cried some more. An hour later he called back to see if I was feeling better. I just answered “not really”. Chatted a bit more, before we said goodnight again. He said again that he loved me.

I guess he’s a bit thrown that I didn’t open up for a discussion, and that I simply said that he knows what it’s all about anyway.

I love him so much, yet I so wish sometimes I had the strength to leave.

I am disgusted by the things he has done, but I am more disgusted by myself letting him come to hurt me more times. I am the only one who can stop him. I am disgusted I don’t.

I hope I can forgive myself one day.



A dear friend gave me a huge compliment the other day. I was once more run down and stuck in a negativ thought-pattern that had been triggered earlier that day. I was insecure – BIG time. Afraid? Oh yes, scared to get hurt – again.

She said: “C, you’re one of the most resilient people I know. No matter what happens to you, you always bounce back.”

I pondered her words for a moment. Resilient. It’s such a great, proud, strong word. Instantly my mood lifted. “yeah” I thought to myself, “she’s right. I deserve that. I DO bounce back”.

I’ve been bent, compressed and stretched. But I’ve been hell-bent on getting up on my feet again.

I’ve been stretched to an inch of my sanity, but instead of loosing it, I’ve made my thinking ways more flexible, trying to see if perhaps another point of view might provide a moment of clarity.

Life happens. To all of us. It’s how we deal with it, that makes the difference.

“You can’t solve a problem with the same mind that created it.”

– Albert Einstein –

The Fog

I’ve been with my man through a sexual and emotional affair. I’ve been working on forgiving him since D-Day in june 2010. It’s been a lot of setbacks, and incidentally the one that cut me deepest was the discovery of him once texting her “I love you” last November. I only discovered in March this year, left him, only to take him back after a ton of promises (which he has kept so far). I was so close to not coming back. I had moved on. As a last resort to convince me, he called her in front of me and told her that I was there, that he chose me and that he had made a mistake with her and that this needed to end. He also said that he loved me and that she had to stop contacting him and leave us alone. I heard her voice on the speaker, at first flirty and coy, thinking that he was not being serious.Then her voice grew angry and desperate when realising that he had made his decision. I said nothing, just quietly listening in the background. I felt powerful and in control of my emotions. Serenity had taken residence in my heart and I had already moved on, so I expected nothing. She started crying. I felt nothing hearing her sobs on the speaker. I can’t help feel that it was more to manipulate him emotionally, than as a reaction to her heart being broken…

(There has been no contact (to my knowledge) since he phoned her in front of me, in May. I check the phones when I feel insecure, also mail accounts are clear.)

How can three words texted to another woman still hurt me so bad? Day and night, the sensation of someone sitting on my chest, green jealousy oozing and boiling in my heart. I’m cut, and I’m not healing fast enough. It’s in fact draining. Somedays are better then others though.

When has enough been said and done? Was it the horrible, degrading words I screamed at him in a lunatic rage when I discovered his second betrayal? Was it the lies he told me for the (insert your own suggestion)- time? Was it when I went so crazy and threw a soup dish at him and splattered the walls with it? (not recommended, terrible timeconsuming to clean up, especially on white walls….)

When do we cross the point of no return? Are we already there, and can we ever go back to healthy and normal?


Since D-day, to be honest, I’ve felt as if I’m balancing on a thin line. A thin line strewn with broken glass to be more specific. Certain moments I have questionned my own sanity, and I have had thoughts that I will never NEVER repeat to anyone. What I knew as safe and home was taken from me, only to be replaced by a gray unclear fog. Sometimes I see my partner through the haze, other times he is gone, and I’m left to myself. Being in the fog means trusting my gut. It’s my eyes, my guidance, hopefully leading me out into clearer spaces, and if I’m lucky my man will be there, taking my hand and leading me out into the sunlight.

Crazy lies, crazy situations = crazy reactions.

I’ve done some things I’m not proud of, and I certainly was not first in line when God handed out patience and self control. In all this mess where we see each other naked, broken, flawed, pathetic…when hurt and despair overtake us, and we are no longer masters of our self, can we allow ourselves to react insanely and can we be forgiven for it?


Someday, after mastering …


Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire.
Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

So I’m taking a little holiday. I cannot tell you guys how much I need this right now. I’ll still be checking my blog and follow up on comments, all depending on how the internet is where I am going.


C x x

How long will I wait?


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How long am I willing to wait? That’s the question.

I don’t know how many times I have thought: “that’s it! this time it’s REALLY enough!!!!”.
I don’t know how many times I have cried in the car on the way home from work. I don’t know how many hours, weeks, months I have spent consumed by rage, bitterness, temporary madness, a hurt so profound, a love unconditional, forgiveness, frustration, despair, hope, disappointment, sadness, ecstasy, weakness, impatience, only to push through a little bit more. I dont know how many times my freaking container has been full, only to find that I could make room for a little more of our story. One more round, one more chance.

I don’t know how many buckets of tears I have cried. How many hours I have curled up on the floor, how many times I have packed and unpacked my things. If you’d come home earlier you would have caught me in my indecision. But you didn’t. You don’t even know everything.

The times i showed you how I feel about what you do to me, you don’t even want to know how many hours and days these toughts have been churning inside me.

This constant internal conflict inside me. Most of the time my calm and patient voice wins over and I control my fear and insecurities. But days when i’m tired,  I stand no chance, because that’s when I need to hear you say that you have cut our ties to the past. That we are free and that it is only you and me now. I’m sick of anticipating the next wound. How deep is the next cut? Will I heal? Will we be ok?

With you there’s always been that “little bit more”. “Wait it out, C. He’s changing, one step at a time, it’s going to be worth it in the end”. Seriously, how many of us hold on to that “worth it in the end”??? I know I do.

Is it worth it today? Right here and now? I guess it still is, but not like it was a year or two ago, when you first promised me to cut her out. With every lie, and every disappointment, you loose a little bit of your magic and hold over me. Don’t get me wrong, I still adore you in ways I would never admit to you. I still have times were I look at you and my heart just turns into a warm ball of fire, love for you. But one day, you’re going to run out of magic, my friend. What are you gonna do then? Today you build the foundation for your future and your life onwards. What are you building on? Sand or solid ground?

I used to be solid ground. I stood there for you, for us. And you piled it up on me, stone by stone. There’s a few cracks in our foundation now, right here where I’m standing, and I don’t know what to do about it. My hands are full of your other stones, bricks, bits and pieces. I can only do so much, before I have to let go.

I still look at our pictures, and think to myself that there is noone like you and me. There is not, and we both know it. If we went our separate ways tomorrow, there still would never be another you and me. Sometimes I do think it’s the best, it would be better for both of us to not be in this indecisive destructive limbo.

Wake up. Please wake up and remember me. I don’t know what terrible “spell” you are under or what is causing you to do these things.