I’m alone (he’s working rotation, so he’s away this weekend). It’s been a beautiful sunny hot day and I’ve felt really good, close to being happy. Was just sat here going through some photos on my phone and then…..trigger alert!
My eyes are swollen to the unrecognisable and I’ve cried every drop I had. Such a small, small thing set me off. Just a beach with a towel and parasol, and a pair of white sunglasses in the corner of a photo – and BAM!!! Woman’s sunglasses. Yes, he forgot to clear away that detail, before he sent me this picture from a sunday beach trip with his “colleagues”.
I was thrown 18 months back in time.To when she visited him on a location he was working at.
Lately things have been going better. I love this man so much, I just can’t seem to let go, no matter how much it hurts me.
But these flashbacks are exhausting.
I have changed so much these last 4 years. If I left him now, I doubt very seriously I would want to get involved with anyone seriously again. And I’m young. I shouldn’t be saying things like this.
I don’t see myself ever trusting another person in this way ever again.
I know many are probably thinking: “so what’s the problem, just leave him!”
Don’t you think I have tried? If I could, I would have left – a LONG time ago.
I have completed four years in university, I speak four languages, I have accomplished many things at a young age that I am proud of, and yet I am incapable of leaving someone who has hurt me profoundly. I am so stupid!
I am a total idiot to stay after all this shit he has put me through.I don’t even get it myself! Somedays I’m embarrassed to look at myself in the mirror. I feel so naive, so gullible and pollyanna-ish.
He called, just after I had cried for what seemed like an eternity. I answered after some time, and it didn’t take long before he asked me what was wrong. I simply stated that I was upset because of our “situation” and bad memories. I then said I didn’t want to discuss it while he was away at work, I don’t want anything to take away his focus as it can be dangerous work. He accepted this. I was pretty much quiet the rest of the conversation, before I said I was not in the best of moods and that we should talk tomorrow. He told me he loved me, before we hung up.
Cried some more. An hour later he called back to see if I was feeling better. I just answered “not really”. Chatted a bit more, before we said goodnight again. He said again that he loved me.
I guess he’s a bit thrown that I didn’t open up for a discussion, and that I simply said that he knows what it’s all about anyway.
I love him so much, yet I so wish sometimes I had the strength to leave.
I am disgusted by the things he has done, but I am more disgusted by myself letting him come to hurt me more times. I am the only one who can stop him. I am disgusted I don’t.
I hope I can forgive myself one day.
Forgiving for me 
First of all, you are far from stupid. So many people assume that we are so “weak” for staying with these men, but really, it is the opposite. We are so STRONG! A weak woman could never put up with what we put up with, they would not be able to function or deal. It is a battle every day to look at the man that broke you, but we do it. We may cry or lose it at times, but we function, we take care of kids, have sucessful careers, etc. I am in no way weak, and neither are you. . . I am a fighter and I will continue to fight for my family. Many do not agree with my choices and tell me constantly to just leave. I bet my life they would not be able to walk a day in my shoes. . .
You are STRONG, you are SMART, you are a FIGHTER. . .A friend told me that I know when I will “be done” with him. I will just know. I am not ready yet, I still have that fight left in me. Maybe, just maybe, you are not done yet either. There is a reason you are still there right?
(((Hugs)))
Thank you:)
It’s very true what you’re saying. I left my ex because I knew we were done and that there was nothing we could do to salvage the realtionship.
My boyfriend has hurt me so much more than my ex ever did, yet I have not been able to leave.
It is true that we are not ready to leave, not ready to give up.
I am getting more and more scared to stay in a relationship that’s going to get so damaged of all of this. In a way I would like to leave and be separated while he figures out his issues and decides once and for all that straying anymore is not worth it. I haven’t left because I fear finding out he won’t be able to “fix us”, and this fear is bigger than my fear of staying. Right now.
So much of the trust is gone. I cry for the actions and lies that have hurt me and our relationship, but I cry more for the things I fear we will never get back: trust, loyalty, openness.
I cry for him, because he will never know how deep the cuts were, and how much it destroyed things for us.
I cry because he is blind to reality.
I cry because he cheated with someone who doesn’t reach me to my ankles. ( I know because I’ve spent hours on the phone with her, listening to her whining and blaming, and telling me pathetic non-relevant details about things he said/done for her. She’s 31, can’t hold a job, looks a mess, and lost her drivers license for DUI)
At least if it was a worthy “opponent” I would have perhaps seen it differently.
Hugs back x x
I can relate to you so much. John’s last OW is 28 years old and doesn’t have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. She couldn’t be half of me on my worst day. You have to understand something, it is not about the women. I was devastated the other night when I found out John was with her again! Why her? Well, I know why! He only had less then an hour to cheat. That made it practically impossible for him to go out and find another one. Why find another one, when you have one that is so easily accessible? So sad, but I know it is not about me or what I lack, it is about him and what he lacks. . .
When and if you are finally done, you will know it. . .
Yes. Here, it’s a case of the ex, where I know strong feelings have been involved. That has made me bitter. She begs and contacts him all the time, I have never once begged him. I have admired and respected him, and I have told him how much I loved him, but I have always made two things clear: 1. I will never beg for a man. If a man wants to be with me, he will never be forced or manipulated. 2. I will never propose or do a man’s job in a relationship.
She has done both. He talks of her with little respect, yet she was good to have when he needed attention or stroking of his ego.
It is sad, but on the other hand, she has nothing on me. If he ever goes back to her, like she hopes, then so be it. She is so desperate because she cannot get another man, and she also knows that he is financially well off and can provide for her.
But he won’t, because then he would have left me a long time ago. How many years will it take before she gets that he is never coming back to her? How long before it dawns on her that he called her in front of me, and told her to stay away?
They are relentless and it makes me sick! Really she drives me nuts and I’m sure this woman does to you. But. . . You can only imagine how they feel about us. Seriously! I swear it takes every bit of strength to prevent me from going off on this woman! But, she is not me and will never be me. Remember, they want our place! We sure don’t want theirs!
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Absolutely. I just need to remind myself of the two occasions where he called her in front of me and told her to stay away. He specifically said to her that he didn’t love her anymore and that they were over. He told her that he loved me and wanted to be with me.
I hope I never run into her. EVER. I know I should’nt, but after her lie about being pregnant and the stress it caused me, I might not be able to hold my tongue.
She can never be me. Even though she has tried to copy me.
I figure that when you are done you will know it. You simply will no longer care to fight for the relationship. Choosing to love someone means you are leaving yourself open to being hurt. And the more you love, the more it can hurt.
My H has also had more than one affair and we are trying to make it work again. I have opened my house to the OC which is yet another way to be hurt. I don’t know if we can ever trust our spouses again or for that matter, anyone. This whole ordeal make me so guarded around others. I assume everyone is lying and might hurt me.
Sometimes you just have to cry until you are done and then decide what to do next. I’m sure many of us ask ourselves if we really should leave, If we are just wasting time and putting off the inevitable. I guess no one can tell us the future and we have to make the best decisions we can each day and then forgive ourselves. We did our best and should not feel shame or blame. We have not done wrong.
hugs
Yes, I am surprised I’m still around actually. The old me would have left right after the cheating was discovered. But these men seem to know what to say and how to say things to keep a woman around.
I wish I could wake up one day and not hurt anymore and be done. I wish I could have said to him, that now I have reached my limit and I’m not able to work on things anymore. Funny thing is, I know he’d be devastated.
Strange how they are so dependent on us being there for them, and then they put every obstacle they can find in the way.