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How long am I willing to wait? That’s the question.

I don’t know how many times I have thought: “that’s it! this time it’s REALLY enough!!!!”.
I don’t know how many times I have cried in the car on the way home from work. I don’t know how many hours, weeks, months I have spent consumed by rage, bitterness, temporary madness, a hurt so profound, a love unconditional, forgiveness, frustration, despair, hope, disappointment, sadness, ecstasy, weakness, impatience, only to push through a little bit more. I dont know how many times my freaking container has been full, only to find that I could make room for a little more of our story. One more round, one more chance.

I don’t know how many buckets of tears I have cried. How many hours I have curled up on the floor, how many times I have packed and unpacked my things. If you’d come home earlier you would have caught me in my indecision. But you didn’t. You don’t even know everything.

The times i showed you how I feel about what you do to me, you don’t even want to know how many hours and days these toughts have been churning inside me.

This constant internal conflict inside me. Most of the time my calm and patient voice wins over and I control my fear and insecurities. But days when i’m tired,  I stand no chance, because that’s when I need to hear you say that you have cut our ties to the past. That we are free and that it is only you and me now. I’m sick of anticipating the next wound. How deep is the next cut? Will I heal? Will we be ok?

With you there’s always been that “little bit more”. “Wait it out, C. He’s changing, one step at a time, it’s going to be worth it in the end”. Seriously, how many of us hold on to that “worth it in the end”??? I know I do.

Is it worth it today? Right here and now? I guess it still is, but not like it was a year or two ago, when you first promised me to cut her out. With every lie, and every disappointment, you loose a little bit of your magic and hold over me. Don’t get me wrong, I still adore you in ways I would never admit to you. I still have times were I look at you and my heart just turns into a warm ball of fire, love for you. But one day, you’re going to run out of magic, my friend. What are you gonna do then? Today you build the foundation for your future and your life onwards. What are you building on? Sand or solid ground?

I used to be solid ground. I stood there for you, for us. And you piled it up on me, stone by stone. There’s a few cracks in our foundation now, right here where I’m standing, and I don’t know what to do about it. My hands are full of your other stones, bricks, bits and pieces. I can only do so much, before I have to let go.

I still look at our pictures, and think to myself that there is noone like you and me. There is not, and we both know it. If we went our separate ways tomorrow, there still would never be another you and me. Sometimes I do think it’s the best, it would be better for both of us to not be in this indecisive destructive limbo.

Wake up. Please wake up and remember me. I don’t know what terrible “spell” you are under or what is causing you to do these things.