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Over the last couple of months more bits and pieces of the affair has surfaced. I found out the first time just over two years ago, and thought that was it. I thought that it was over when I found out and that he would choose to honor his promise of faithfulness to me. We went through so much and it turned our world upside down, and I really thought that it shook us both so much that now we would make this work, just me and him.

In the last couple of months I have found out that they met last year for dinner, there have been texting and what I would categorize as a continued emotional affair, even an exchange of gifts, however he denies that there has been anything sexual between them. I have been on him like a detective and yet he denies sleeping with her.
 I don’t know if this is because it is true or he denies continually because he knows that I would leave him if he had a sexual affair again. Just the thought alone makes me nauseous. The image of him with her after I forgave him…. I cannot even feel love for him when thinking like this.

For some reason I struggle with believing him, expecially since I didn’t expect these other facts to surface almost two years into my healing process. Talk about setback(!).

 A lot of things has been going through my mind, honest hateful thoughts and resentment (hell hath no fury…). That he is a narcissistic pathological liar, that he has no empathy or respect. That maybe I have to face the facts and understand that I am in love with a man who does not love me (or anyone else for that sake), but only himself. Yet he seems to need me. For what? I wonder how it feels to be the one who has the power to hurt someone who loves you. Did it feel so good to sleep with her as I have imagine a thousand times in my head? Was it like when we make love? Was it worth it, and did I ever cross his mind, when he lay there between her legs?

When he saw me in the aftermath, how I fell apart, how I lost my smile, my laughter was gone and I started to put on weight because I felt so ugly and worthless, did he feel sorry? Or did he simply not register?

I think everyday about leaving. I have a choice in this and I don’t want to spend my life with someone who does not care enough about me to not hurt me anymore. When I play nice little Carlynn and don’t talk about things, everything is ok. When I need to vent or to be reassured that his affair is over, once and for all, he gets so cold, distant and disrespectful with me. It is so frustrating. He thought it would be enough to pat me on the back and apologize a few times and that I would forget. Thats what his ex did, so why couldn’t I?

It seems I am the first one to actually hold him to a standard. To put him in the corner and tear his lies apart and ask for the naked truth. No more lies. I think he doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand that I need to know everything so that there’s no more nasty lies surfacing.

I have said to him time and time again: He is free to be with whoever he wants, I will accept it if he wants to be with her, we are not married, no kids and no property owned together, he knows I wish him well and will want happiness for him, I have not forced him ever to stay with me.

Yet everytime he professess his love to me and how he wants this and that with me. And like a fool (in love) I believe him. I believe: “this time he will understand when I am insecure about who he is texting og who he meets when he goes to his hometown”. Promises of change, promises of no more this no more that, promises of listening to me when I need to talk.

I know I’m no angel, but maybe I need to wake up. Can love survive somthing like this? I don’t know anymore. Two years ago, I forgave the ultimate and public betrayal of the person I thought was the love of my life. I am schocked to see that two years later, certain things are still a little too foggy for my liking.

I was out on saturday and had a good time with a friend of mine. I spoke with her yesterday on the phone, and she asked me if I remembered what I had said to her, to which I replied I didn’t (a case of in vino veritas?). She said I had told her: “It’s always him. He is the one I want and the one I come back to, everytime. The one person I want, the only man I would choose over and over again.”

I must be crazy. Right?

I guess this is what is holding me back a little. My incredibly strong feelings for someone who can be the sun and moon in my life, but who also can be a cold bastard to me when he gets annoyed or when he doesn’t understand my needs.

 I think I will go to my mothers house tonight and stay, she is away on holiday. The mood at home has (put mildly) been quite icy, and I need to figure out if this relationship is going to do me any good in the long run.

Why must he have me if he cannot go all the way and be there for me? Why does he always do 110% when he is in danger of loosing me, and then only 50% when we have sorted our problems out? This makes reform and improvement so temporary, and it makes me doubt him. Why am I not enough for him to make this change for me?

Sometimes I daydream. Im still young. I hope sometimes that I could meet a man who could handle my southern and at times explosive temperament, who would appreciate my vulnerability and humour, who would be able to deal with my baggage and handle that I will probably never fully trust a boyfriend again. I know life isn’t a Disney fairytale, but should it really be this hard?

What are your opinions on knowing the whole naked truth? Do you believe this is essential to heal completely or do you believe that some details are better left in the dark?

x x Carlynn

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